My journey to motherhood began long before I had children. What I mean by that statement is that I can remember being a child myself and thinking "one day I will be ____ kind of mom." I think as kids we all remember quoting such a statement. We always thought we could do it better, different, or we would never do it the way our parents did it. I just never thought that I would get to try to do it differently at such a young age. Eighteen to be exact. To understand where I come from, you have to know where I've been. This will be my journey to that place again.

My childhood wasn't bad, just different. But before I get all into the "root" of my life, I'll begin with the birth of my first child. Kailyn. She was something! I took one look at her, and my whole world changed. I had never felt love like that. Every parent, well most every parent, will tell you that one look at their newborn and they fell in love. But for me, it was if I had a second chance at life through her! She was amazing. She had these dark soulfull eyes. Like she knew something that I didn't. Even after ten years, she still has those eyes. So here I was, eighteen, a new mom, a "not so ready" father of my child, and a glowing baby girl. Now, what do I do?

I poured my life into her. What I mean is that she became my focus. We cooked, we played, we read books, we were together. But to be quite honest, there are so many times I can not remember. Big chunks of her childhood. I don't know if it was pure exhaustion, stress, school, etc. etc. When thinking back, there are huge gaps in my memory of my own childhood. What the hell is that all about? I've had this discussion multiple times with one of my dearest friends. Of course, like me, she has no answers! Why is it that I only have a few distant memories before the age of eight? Do others remember things before that time?
My daughter seems to damn remember everything! I'm hoping to fill those gaps in 2010. One of my goals is to fill the memory tank UP! Bad, good, and ugly.

I think I was a born Pesssimist. I truly believe that. I think some people are born optimistic, happy go lucky, make me sick to my stomach people. Just kidding. I belive my pessimism comes from a childhood of "it's somebody else's fault my job, my car, my paycheck, my house, blah blah blah, sucks!" If it's all you hear out of one parent(no matter how wonderful the other parent is), it's bound to rub off on you in some way. So my focus was to make my child's life optimistic as possible. Well, I didn't realize she was going to be the one teaching me.

To be continued...